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Archive for October, 2011

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What are directions, anyway?

You might be thinking "well, the cardinal directions are four perpendicular indicators determined by the polar and magnetic layout of our spherical planet which influence the weather, Earth's rotational behavior, animal migration... " blah blah blah. Whatever. They're little arrows for all I care. Usually little dumb gold arrows on a map or globe, and frankly I have no time for them. Ask yourself: what have directions ever done for you?

That's why I'm glad True North is around. They don't need your lame excuses about science, magnetism, volcanoes, or whatever you were just saying while I was busy thinking about anything else. Nobody cares about how magnets work anymore, so save your breath. Come...


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Bee Mine - [bee mahyn] - noun

  1. Large man-made excavations into the depths of the earth, usually intricate forays with complex support systems and passageways, created for the extraction and exploitation of large natural bee deposits deep within the Earth's crust. Some primary resources from these mines include honey, bee stings, and enriched uranium.
  2. Defensive weapons used extensively during the Vietnam War. Much like the Land Mine, the Bee Mine is an explosive charge, directly below the earth's surface, meant to be detonated by the pressure of a vehicle or footstep. However, unlike land mines, the Bee Mine results in a large explosion of infuriated bees.
  3. An exceptionally fashionable and charming store, brought...

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Don't you think it's about time you stopped trying to fix that yourself?

Seriously, I don't even know how you managed to get lacquer into the ventilation shaft. Now everything in the house smells like chemicals and fake Christmas trees...what's that? Oh, the smell is just from the Pine-Sol you used to...dissolve the lacquer? That makes perfect sense. Have you seen how neighbors have been treating us lately? No? Exactly. Nobody wants to come within 100 feet of this place after that "paint job" you did outside. Mixing brown and pink does NOT make blue, for the record, and adding an equal amount of water to paint does NOT mean you have twice as much paint. Our house looks like a washed out muddy nightmare, and...


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When "Could Be Better" Uniforms Simply Won't Do.

Picture this:

You're driving along in your squad car on routine patrol, fighting crime, wearing sunglasses, helping elderly women across the street, and writing tickets for the betterment of humanity, when all of a sudden...BOOM. Speed bump. After you gather your thoughts and reposition your sunglasses you realize...what happened to that hot cup of coffee you were carrying? You look in your hand...it's gone. You look at your partner, but he's such a professional that his face betrays no emotion. Your legs are starting to feel warm, and your shoes...so, so very soggy. Then it hits you: this high-class, high-ranking pillar of public service is going through...


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Breaking the world down, one piece at a time.

Elemental analysis is an interesting field, and while certainly not everyone is cut out to spend hours upon hours with microscopes and complex analytical equipment, we are all affected by the more profound understandings of our surrounding world which elemental analysis presents. Without such pursuits, the relationships between different organic and inorganic materials around us would be unclear, many environmental health risks would remain mysteries, and our daily understanding of how things around us interact and relate would be severely impaired. Just image mercury in your drinking water...

Element One Labs is a small, privately owned and operated laboratory which specializes in the...


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