VZ Home Repair
For the last time, I said "VZ" on purpose.You need to get off this vampire kick already. I know it sounds like a Transylvanian-influenced "easy", and given how convenient the services are "Easy Home Repair" would be a fitting name for the organization, but that sounds denigrating to the skill and work ethic VZ Home Repair puts into their craft. VZ Home Repair is pretty impressive after all...oh come on. Put that wooden stake down. Niiiice and easy.
Ok, whew. And no! I don't believe for a second that "the couch leg came just off", that is clearly a wooden stake. You carved crosses in the side right there, now stop trying to stab me. Although VZ Home Repair would probably be excellent at fixing your imaginary couch of stakes, were it a real thing and not a thinly-veiled excuse for attempted murder. They can fix nigh anything in fact, just check out their website and see for yourself. I'm pretty sure their list of services is longer than any book you've ever read, except maybe that "Spellcasting for Beginners" you're clutching while trembling right now. For Pete's sake, I let you watch Twilight twice in a month and I swear all that glitter goes straight to your brain.
Look, since you seem hell-bent on stripping most of my porch wood and turning it into various "vampire-traps", I'm going to go ahead and give VZ Home Repair a call so someone can come by and repair it with skill and precision. You're lucky VZ Home Repair has such reasonable prices, because otherwise you'd owe me a whoooooooole lot for the carpets that you sprinkled with garlic oil earlier. Yes I know there's no mirrors in here, it's, uhhh, because you'd break them all with the fuss you've been making. Yeah. Quit looking at me like that. Make yourself useful and look up VZ Home Repair so that I can get my life back in order.
Now keep it down, I'm going back to sleep. It's positively bright outside and you know about my...allergies.