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Access Storage

  BlueTone Media

Access Storage? What is this, Communist Russia? 

People shouldn't just be able to access storage, man. What happens when you give everyone, and I'm talking the commonfolk of the world here, that kind of access to storage, huh? I'll tell you what - they're gonna store things, mannnnnn. I'm talking all sorts of things - boats, bikes, chairs, coffee makers, cremated pet remains, wooden shoes...everything. Do you know the kind of chaos that would break out if everyone, regardless of status or social position, could just access storage? The whole world would be stored. The whole world man. You, me, her, that, everything.



What do you mean I'm overreacting? Of course they'll store everything. Why wouldn't they? Look, they've got like...a million different unit sizes available, and each one has its own distinct advantages. That means they have the storage options to cram away everything...and everyone. SEE? They've been planning for this day to come. It's like they already knew. Companies don't just have that much convenient storage, man, there's something funny going on. I gotta get out of here.

Aliens Guy
Trust me, I know what I'm talking about

What do you mean I can't get out of here? I've got family in Boiling Springs.

What do you mean they have a location there as well?! Dang, these guys are on top of their game. Well, if I really need to, I can always hit up my ex-girlfriend Stacy in Calabash. I know things are weird but when it comes to survival it's like, store or be stored, you know? What??? Don't tell me that. A Calabash location, even? I can feel the grip of Big Brother closing in.

At least I've got my bomb shelter in Winnabow. There's enough canned boiled peanuts down there to drown a hog, although that would be a messy affair and a huge waste of delicious peanuts. Throw in some water purification tablets, my own man-sized hamster wheel to generate infinite electricity, and a box set of both Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill, and I can thrive for years down there. I've kept it secret from everyone, building it in the dark of night deep underground, just for a time like this. Come, we must flee from The Storage People. Let's get there before Access tries to lock us up in a climate-controlled space.

Alright, set the GPS for 20 Edgewood Lane. Cool, now let's go...huh? What's it say? You're kidding me. WHAT?? No no no no no. This can NOT be happening. Access Storage has a location built...ON TOP OF MY BOMB SHELTER?

That's it. I'm storing myself. It's all there is left to do. A good 10' x 30' space should give me plenty of room to pace around. You win, Access Storage. You win this time.

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