Coastroad Hearth and Patio Supply

  BlueTone Media

Ghostroad Death and Ghoulio Supply 

Velcome, velcome to Ghostroad Death and Ghoulio Supply! Please, let me give you a qvick tour our of Showroom of Doom! Vlah!

Vhat? Oh căcat, another von of you? Everyvon is alvays looking for that stupid "Coastroad" place. Vlah, it's not fair. Vhy do I have to live my (after)life vith an empty store vhile people are practically begging for Coastroad's services and products? It's enough to get my cape in a ruffle! Vlah.

Is it the service? It is the vonderful selection they provide? Vell? Tell me! You sun-valkers seem to think that, just because I live on the liminal cusp of the living and the damned, I'm incapable of providing good savings. I von't and can't say anything specific, but they call the greatest bargains a "deal vith the devil" for a reason, you know. I spent my nights scouring the deepest depths of ancient deals and below-wholesale pricing and vhat do I get to show for it? Nothing. It isn't fair.

Come! Come my precious, let me show you that I too am capable of servicing you vith my UNDERGROUND PATIO SUPPLIES OF DESPAIIIIIIR. No? You seem to cringe at my inventory. This is for shame! Here, vhat about my VIRGIN BONE, DEMONCLAW-BUILT PORCH FURNISHINGS OF MISERYYYY?!! Vhere are you going? Come back!


I just vant to save you money. And maybe drink your blood.


Fine, fine, you are a discriminating customer. No more veird and vile displays, ve go straight to the Heart of Bargain Darkness vith this von. I present to you - THE SUMMER 2012 LINE OF MY BLOOD-FOUNTAIN-SQUIRTING-HEARTHS-OF-MURDER-AND-SUFFERING SERIES! Vlaahaha, look! It installs in any vall vith ease, fires blood fountains for a guaranteed 50+ feet, and is guaranteed to absorb and destroy all light and happiness vithin a 300 yard radius. It's it vonderful? It's my greatest creation!

...Hello? Vhere did you go?

Vlah. I blame Coastroad Hearth and Patio for this travesty. It is so depressing, I can barely even harvest souls vith a smile anymore. My bonemeal and eyeballs von't taste nearly as good tonight. Vlahhhh.

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